Chapter 10 of my book, Overdeliver—which is titled, “Playing the Long Game”—begins like this:
I hate the word networking. And that is despite having a reputation as someone who connects the dots as well as anyone once I know the superpowers of the people I interact with.
So how does a connector like me grow to hate the word “networking?”
It began with an article in 1992 in one of the direct marketing trade magazines…profiling “30 under 30” (i.e. 30 personalities from the industry who were under 30 years old at the time) …who were “making things happen” …and people to keep an eye on.
I was one of them.
Great news/great publicity, right?
Well, it would have been had the profile on me been accurate.
Or was it accurate and I just didn’t like what they said about me?
Here is the article…which hangs on my wall…to remind me every day how much I hate the word networking:
“Strategic Schmoozer” (as I am labeled in the article) implies more fluff than substance…or that I have some secret agenda when I meet people…and then when I add them to my “network,” all I want to do is exploit them in some way.
And how about that black double-breasted suit I’m pictured in above to add credibility to the schmoozer moniker?
Painful. At least to me. ☹
So, I took a stroll through Google, The Cambridge Dictionary and some AI resources to see if I could soften the blow of the word “schmoozer” and I found a few (e.g. “It’s not an undesirable thing, although there are certainly insincere people who do it badly”), but the ultimate definition puts me squarely in a bad place…then and now:
“Schmooze” isn’t inherently a bad word but it often carries a negative connotation, implying insincere or manipulative small talk to gain favor, especially in business or politics.
Translated into today’s world:
Being proud of having 5,000 friends on Facebook without developing more than 5 true relationships or friendships from them.
Severe, I know.
But I had to get some religion around this (which began in earnest in 1992 with the publication of that article).
Even without assembling the definitions available online at my fingertips and a Facebook analogy, both of which didn’t exist at the time. Just the article was enough.
And even if the intent of the profile wasn’t to make me out to be a gladhander (the worst version of a schmoozer), I needed to attack the premise.
All I can say is that I’m glad I picked up on this before I was all grown up.
And the lessons I learned along the way—going from alleged superficial schmoozing to owning a rich relationship capital account, full of deep and profound friendships (which includes many of you reading this right now)–didn’t happen overnight.
But it happened.
And with a simple tweak:
Going from “networking” to “contributing to connect.”
With “contributing” (contribution) being the key to everything.
Excerpted in part from Chapter 10 of Overdeliver:
I realized that it was not enough to simply tell everyone about my motivation to help as many people as possible by connecting them to others who could help them.
And I needed to show everyone that I was much more than a “Strategic Schmoozer.”
I became intensely driven to create synergistic partnerships and relationships… but I needed to come up with different ways to do it than simply accumulating people and being the life of the party.
The article got me thinking more deeply about this concept, which led to me attending a multi day personal development seminar.
When we arrived, they asked us to define “who we were” in less than 10 words, with my definition being:
“Know everyone. Do the right thing.”
Hmmm. Maybe I was more of a Strategic Schmoozer than I thought. ☹
However, at the end of the 4-day seminar, after lots of discussion and hard work on myself, and with the help of 75 other amazing people, I was asked to answer the same question in a different format:
“I am the possibility of __________.”
The word that filled in the blank for me was, and still is, “contribution.”
I wanted to be a strategic contributor first, with the connection flowing naturally from there.
With as little schmoozing as possible.
“Networking” left my vocabulary that day, replaced by “contributing to connect” …and a much longer (and more meaningful) game had begun.
This “game” has been playing out for my entire 44-year career…with a nod to the last 34 since the article when I was labelled something I didn’t think I was.
And as recently as this past month, I’ve had three reminders of how contributing to connect done with sincerity and purpose lasts forever…even with big gaps of time between those contributions and connections…as long as your original contributions (or the contributions of the other person) are made without expectation of receiving a return.
Simply put, when you do it this way, there is never an expiration date on true connection.
All of these “re-connections” happened within the last month:
1. Clay is someone I met over 10 years ago…spent quality time with him…contributing wisdom and support to each other. And in this case, he “won the contribution contest” (which is never really a contest or quid pro quo…it’s always 100-0 with no expectation of a return) –by helping me transition from 34 years of intrapreneurship to entrepreneurship. He spent 10 hours with me in 2015 “whiteboarding” the pillars of my new business, Titans Marketing, which has been going strong for almost 11 years, using the same pillars Clay laid out for me.
He didn’t ask for anything except my undivided attention (i.e. I didn’t pay him a dime). 😊
Shame on me that I fell out of touch with Clay for at least 7 years.
But I have excuses (all lame):
The pandemic…he was working in a different part of the industry…and I wasn’t sure if the email address I had for him was still accurate (that last one is exceptionally lame).
Two weeks ago I receive an email about an event Clay is speaking at…actually an event I had spoken at 5 years earlier…so I “tried” the three email addresses I had for him, sent him an email letting him know how he reappeared on my radar…to wish him luck with the presentation…and how much I appreciated him despite not being in touch for so long.
Including how I still owe him for setting up my business for success,
Yes…two of the three emails were still active…and active enough for him to respond in minutes of receiving my email…and the “Planning Board” of Titans Marketing was reunited. 😊
Nothing uncomfortable…all love…because we had laid a foundation of contribution to each other that stood the test of time…which created an eternal connection.
2. Jon was an incredible contribution to me before the pandemic…by being a member of a mastermind I was also a member of…and giving me advice on attracting members to my Titans Mastermind using successful techniques which he had perfected.
And I contributed to him with career advice and contacts as he prepared for a career transition.
Then 5 years passed with no direct communication.
But last month, I got an email from Jon, letting me know that despite being out of touch, he felt we spoke every week because he was part of my online family (this list that all of you are on) …reading these Sunday blogs…and the relationship was as tight as ever.
How about that?
Contributing through email to continue the connection.
Lazy…not personal…but effective just the same. 😊
We have since spoken…he joined my Titans Xcelerator Mastermind…and he also signed up his two sons who are now working with him.
This story is not about how to make a sale by exploiting people who reach out to you from your past.
Quite the opposite.
Because he felt comfortable with our established relationship from the past, he was also comfortable that he had “permission” to reach out to me (like I reached out to Clay) …with no “suspicion” of “what does he want from me.”
And it’s about how you never lose someone in your life if the relationship is built on unconditional trust, support…and mutual contribution.
Jon and I were connected for life already…now it’s just a little more “formal.” 😊
It’s also a reminder that when you reach out to someone “out of the blue” (from your past), know the foundation that friendship/relationship is built on…and be very careful to make “appropriate asks” in the process of reaching out.
In the case of Clay, once I realized it was a lovefest rekindled, I was comfortable asking him to speak to my Titans Xcelerator Mastermind.
And in Jon’s case, only when he asked me what I was up to did I talk about Titans Xcelerator…and it was his idea to sign up…and to sign up his sons.
Did I make “asks” of each of them? Sure.
But they were asks from somewhere rather than nowhere.
3. Garrett is someone who I was extremely close with for many years…and over nine years ago, we created the “Accelerated Learning Group” …which was a glorified “Oprah Book Club” turned into a mastermind.
You can read about it here, from Forbes.com.
Read it in the context of this post…but consider starting one of your own.
And read the P.S. if you’d rather have one assembled for you. 🙂
He introduced to me three other value creators (who made up the book club turned mastermind) …and the five of us became close…by speaking once a month for multiple years…and close enough to vacation with our wives for a weekend in Park City, Utah.
And even with all that closeness and camaraderie, life got in the way, and we drifted apart.
But when Garrett texted me last month asking, “what’s up with you?” I jumped at the opportunity to share with him…beginning with a picture of my new grandson, of course.
We set up a Zoom call, and we are right back to where we were in our relationship 9 years ago, albeit without the book club.
Life is grand when it never lets up…and to make it never let up, contribute to connect.
Warmly,
Brian
P.S. If you have any interest in becoming a “Strategic Contributor” (to create game changing, eternal connections)…and you don’t want to create a book club and hope it becomes an accountability group (dare I say a mastermind)…
…I invite you to consider joining 250 fellow marketers, copywriters, and value driven entrepreneurs inside Titans Xcelerator.
Hopefully you are also reading my Wednesday emails which profile, and will continue to profile:
- The success stories and exponential results (which you can adapt) from some of those 250 rock stars who make up the membership of Titans Xcelerator…and…
- The speakers who grace the Titans Xcelerator Zoom screen, focusing on actionable strategies and tactics to help you build your businesses.
Maybe something will click for you at some point…or you can click on this link today and begin your contributing to connect journey…while choosing your own adventure as a member of Titans Xcelerator.
The Wednesday emails are my way of letting you “in” at no charge, to drink up as much as possible of all we are doing and learning on the inside of Titans Xcelerator…so I can contribute to you simply because you have chosen to be a member of my online family (i.e. you are on this list).
The only thing missing by doing it this way is that I can’t contribute to you and your business as deeply as I would like.
Regardless, I hope you are able to use these Sunday posts and the Wednesday posts to make your own contributions in the world…filled with deep connections…and always with blockbuster results.
But if you want me to contribute to you and your growth even more, click here.