“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer…and keep them all well fed”
-Brian Kurtz, March 30, 1981
I can’t say whether I said those words on 3/30/81 (my first day working in direct marketing and the day Ronald Reagan was shot outside The Washington Hilton) …but I can safely say that it is a philosophy that is embedded in my DNA.
Maybe from birth…since I was a chubby baby (i.e., husky? big boned?).
O.K…. I was FAT … I ate everything in sight…and I believe in reciprocity.
Being well fed put me on a mission to feed the world…once I got my first credit card, that is.
Twenty years into my career I received a “lifetime achievement award” from a direct marketing association…which was sort of ridiculous because I had not achieved all that much…I was just getting started…and I thought the industry was trying to tell me something.
A subtle-not-so-subtle early retirement party to get me out of everyone’s hair forever (perhaps)?
In my acceptance speech, I mentioned many previous award winners who came before me (most of whom were active members of the organization), and many were also mentors and friends…and in addition to thanking them and acknowledging them for letting me stand on their shoulders, I also shared the scary truth:
I had bought almost every one of them at least one meal at some point over the previous 20 years.
(Or, if they lived too far away to break bread regularly, I had sent them a free book…which I assume they sold for food.) 🙂
I even had a flip chart where I graphed “meals bought, and books sent by year.”
The numbers weren’t real…they were based on data I was making up on the fly…but the concept was still sound.
Knowing that this was a lifetime achievement award…and that I used a flippant flip chart to justify it…maybe that’s why the direct marketers had enough of me since they respected only measurable (and accurate) data?
I still didn’t get it but I accepted the award.
I wasn’t flaunting what a sport I was either…rather, my thesis was that this community was having an existential guilt trip, feeling obligated to give me this award in exchange for all the meals and books I had given them.
I also told them that I didn’t calculate calories consumed or pages read by my guests and recipients on that flip chart…thank goodness for that…and of course I was trying to be funny.
A few people laughed.
However, my goal in accepting this way was to say that unconditional sharing and generosity will never work against you.
Since this was a room of direct marketers, who I already dazzled with my graph and flip chart, I wanted to back up my theory with response data.
I concluded by telling them that they can increase their chances of receiving some kind of lifetime achievement award too (or at least get some serious recognition) if they are “always buying;” but more importantly, by practicing unconditional generosity, they would receive much more than recognition by connecting at a deeper level with everyone in their life.
When I say you always need to be in buying mode, I also mean “giving mode” …and that includes much more than just buying meals.
Of course, when you are always buying in a literal sense, it does relieve the pressure when the check arrives.
In fact, I got very good at making sure I always got the check by arriving early to every breakfast, lunch, and dinner and slipping my credit card to my waiter.
This practice reached its pinnacle when I was finally able to pick up the tab at a family dinner where my father-in-law was supposedly hosting.
He always paid.
In the battle of check-picker-uppers, he had never lost before…and he never expected to be beaten in a restaurant cage match by his lowly son-in-law.
He was pissed every time I beat him to the check…and I made sure that I was not a one-hit (one payment) wonder.
It’s obvious why this practice should be practiced with loved ones and friends (which includes clients and vendors…more on that below) …but enemies?
Keep in mind enemies are in the eye of the beholder.
A friend of mine told me about a “competitor” who joined a mastermind group he had been a member of for a few years (and “competitor” is in quotes because if you follow me, you know that one of my core beliefs is that, “Competition is Coexistence”).
He asked my advice when this new guy reached out to him to get together for lunch to learn more about the mastermind group and to “pick his brain.”
My buddy Joe Polish once gave me some awesome advice many years ago:
“When someone says they want to pick your brain it often means they want to pick your pocket.”
Joe is one of the most generous people in the world when it comes to sharing his time and knowledge…he only came to this conclusion after getting burned a few times.
His book, What’s In It For Them? is a must read and gives both sides of the equation.
Joe is a believer in humans (as I am) and getting burned a few times is worth it when you practice unconditional generosity all the time.
Based on these theories, I mapped out a game plan for my friend to diffuse any inner conflict by playing big with this guy and then seeing what happens.
That is, I told him to meet with him, not to treat him as an enemy, not to hold back information…and to pick up the tab for lunch.
I also told him that the relationship needed to be monitored a bit more carefully over time (see Joe’s warning above) …so he didn’t get taken advantage of later (i.e., get his pocket picked).
I felt good about giving him this advice based on my experience.
I’m confident my friend will gain much more from this new relationship by playing it this way rather than refusing to meet or holding back any helpful advice or “secrets.”
Note: There are fewer “secrets” than you think.
Check your premise regarding what you define as your “secrets.”
A lot of stuff was invented before you labelled them as unique to you.
Just sayin’.
In addition, being a cheapskate (with your wallet or your wisdom) serves no one.
An exception might be giving out confidential information on the location of America’s nuclear arsenal.
Or an award winning meatloaf recipe. 🙂
I am also not suggesting that you should end up in the poor house because you have such a rosy perspective about meeting new people and helping them all immediately…while giving away your perceived cherished secrets to a competitor.
Read “Never ask from nowhere again” for more on this.
Some people have not earned your openness and only you can determine that.
No matter how you choose to play it, I like your odds much better to live a more abundant life when you stick to the philosophy of “picking up the tab” (literally and figuratively) …and try to go deep with your relationships whether you are the brain being picked or the brain-picker.
I think we underestimate the value of paying to play (with cash and information)…and how it positively affects our “lifetime cash flow”; and we also underestimate how much it’s worth to our “lifetime relationship capital.”
Lifetime is a long time.
Regarding picking up the check every time, I know sometimes you may not be able to afford it…but try to adopt the philosophy so at least you can pick up more checks, more often.
If you can’t show your generosity with money, never hold back sharing your expertise and what makes you a genius.
And know that you are genius in something.
If you would like to try to adopt the philosophy of always buying, I suggest you arrive early to all your appointments when a payment is involved at the end…and get cozy with the maître d or equivalent.
After over 40 years in business (and 20+ years since I was put out to pasture with that lifetime achievement award), I can probably count on two hands (max) the times where someone beat me to a check…and that includes when I dined with vendors like printers, media buyers and others who had it in their budget to always pay.
This is far from a brag…as I said above, it’s a philosophy.
How many “clients” do you know (including yourself if you have been on that side of the desk) who regularly think about picking up the tab when they (or you) are not supposed to?
Those same clients probably only talk a good game around the notion that “my vendors are my partners.”
They rarely walk the walk. Or pay to play.
Walking to the cash register and paying is a good start to walking the walk of partnership with a trusted and loyal vendor.
Thinking about yourself as a generous host all the time…with money, time and information…no matter what role you think you are supposed to play…keeps you from playing a role that can only lead to living in scarcity.
Not to mention avoiding potentially uncomfortable situations…which will only get in the way of living a bigger (and richer) life.
In summary:
Pick up the tab.
Your wallet is your wisdom.
Warmly,
Brian
P.S. With all this talk about meals, here’s a story about dessert…
In his prime, Bill Jayme was the most sought-after copywriter in the world.
He had a two-year waiting list of clients who wanted him to write a direct mail package for them…and he fulfilled them all, with a style that was a mix of poetry and sales copy.
There was no one like him at the time…or since.
Bill came to mind as I was writing this post today since he was someone who was difficult to wrestle a check from…and I even have some hilarious correspondence from him framed on my wall about a couple of the experiences where I beat him to the check.
But no one could beat his copy.
He also came to mind when I recalled a story he tells about sitting next to a guy on an airplane while he was eating a delicious airline lunch (a meal Bill didn’t, or would want to, pay for)—and the guy happened to be reading one of Bill’s most successful magazine promotions while he dined.
What a thrill this was going to be!
He had a perfect seat watching how this guy would immerse himself in the “poetry” he created…and then subscribe…and then he could reveal himself as the author of the masterpiece.
Every copywriter would love to have this experience…a real-life customer interacting with their copy.
Initially, things were going swimmingly:
The guy opened the envelope (which had a killer teaser which all of Bill’s packages had) …he began reading the letter…jumped to the P.S. quickly (this guy was the perfect prospect!) …back to the letter to read further…followed by unfolding the large, 4-color brochure…and finally to the lift letter.
Then it was the moment of truth…the guy found the order card…he read it carefully…seemingly studying the terms (“Free issue! Send no money!”).
How could he decline this opportunity after reading Bill’s exquisite copy?
Then he folded the order card in half for some reason.
Bill was perplexed.
Then he folded it in quarters, creating a little rectangle with 4 points.
He then moved it to one of the corners of his mouth.
And he used it…
…as a toothpick!
Bill was doubly glad he didn’t pay for lunch. 🙂
He told the story with much more flair and imagery (what Gene Schwartz calls “picture words”) that showed more than told.
He did this with humility, humor…with wisdom always shining through…as he did with everything he wrote or spoke.
And that brings me to The Bill Jayme Collection.
After he passed away, his partner (and expert designer) Heikki Ratalahti worked with me to scan every direct mail package Bill Jayme ever wrote.
The Bill Jayme Collection contains 210 individual direct mail efforts in PDF format for 138 different mailers in 11 different categories.
To say Bill could write about anything is an understatement.
No ChatGPT required.
They were almost all control packages (i.e., big winners in terms of response) and they represent some of the best direct response writing ever.
And please don’t think that because these are all direct mail packages that the copy platforms, headlines and concepts cannot be adapted to online promotions.
In fact, like so many copywriters who passed away before online and email marketing became “the killer app,” he would have flourished in the current marketing environment…big time.
Jayme was as prolific and productive as any copywriter who has ever lived.
And everything he ever wrote is on one packed USB, indexed by category, and completely searchable.
Plus, we added a bonus video of Bill himself presenting live.
He’s got many other stories besides the “toothpick fiasco.”
Click here to read more about Bill Jayme.
I encourage you to consider ordering this priceless package (which I needed to put a price on). 🙂
Remember…
Stealing is a felony…stealing smart is an art…and stealing smart from an artist like Jayme is one of the most valuable things you can do.
https://www.briankurtz.net/bill-jayme/