It’s been 21 years since I lost my dad…and this story (which I have told before) is one of amazing coincidences, and hopefully deep meaning too, with a lesson or two I learned from it.
It’s a story I share when someone around me loses a loved one…only when they are ready to hear it…to let them know that loss of a loved one, while permanent, also has some built-in immortality.
The grief is always there…but there are things to observe every day that make the grief a little more bearable…and maybe even celebrating.
I believe that everything is on the table when you experience loss…and I hope that when you go through it, you can find peace and support in whatever ways that are meaningful to you.
The premise behind this story is one of many ways to give support to the people I love who are grieving:
Recognize the signs (anywhere and everywhere) when those who have passed are trying to contact you or appear in your life.
Sometimes you need to be extra observant since it is not always obvious.
And sometimes it hits you in the face.
That’s what happened to me in early 2009.
Another thing you can do:
Write to your family (and yourself), online and offline, like I’m doing right now,
Call it a personalized, written séance. 😊
The pink tie that will never die
Setting the stage:
February 5th, 2009…my nephew Zachary’s 21st birthday…and I was attending a fundraising dinner to benefit ALS (“Lou Gehrig’s Disease”) …a devastating prognosis for anyone who suffers from it, since it involves a long, painful decline…with no cure.
The dinner included a silent auction with hundreds of items of sports memorabilia.
I wanted to buy a bunch of items to support the cause (for ALS research) …anonymously…and I was also looking for something to give to my sports fan nephew at the same time on this monumental day (when he was legally drinking at college while I was “shopping” for him).
I know that because I called him from the dinner and there was some loud celebratin’ going on the other end of the phone.
The pressure was on to find him the perfect gift…beyond a six pack or a bottle of Jack Daniels. 🙂
My dad, who died in 2005, is Zachary’s grandfather.
And Zach was his first (and unspoken favorite) grandchild.
One of the reasons was that Zach idolized him (as I did, albeit a little more quietly); and another more subtle reason was that Zach rooted voraciously for my dad’s alma mater in football, Penn State, as much as anyone who was not my dad (or me growing up).
Those of you who are not aficionados of college football might not know the story of the rise and fall of Penn State…from national powerhouse for decades, only to fall from grace, deservedly (and in a huge way), due to an internal sex abuse scandal involving an assistant coach.
You can read the sordid details here if you like.
While I wish my dad had lived longer, it may have been a blessing that he was not alive to witness the events leading up to the scandal (although I know he was turning in his grave throughout the ordeal).
The coach at Penn State during the good times…and then the demise (from 1966 until 2011) …was the legendary Joe Paterno.
He was a God in my household growing up…so when the scandal surfaced in 2011, it affected me a lot…and not in a good way.
Even though the culprit of these outrageous crimes (who is currently serving 30 to 60 years in prison) was one of Joe’s assistant coaches, Joe’s crime was equally heinous.
Joe’s crime was more about omission (i.e., not paying enough attention and not acting on what was going on) rather than one of commission.
Regardless, it cost him his job…and his legacy…all of it justified.
The school even tore down a statue of JoePa (as he was called) after the scandal.
In 2009, the night of the fundraiser and Zach’s 21st birthday, Joe Paterno was still a hero in my family.
He gave us a lot of joy in his heyday.
After 2011, not so much. ☹
What we thought about JoePa in 2009 changed drastically in 2011.
Sorry for that diversion but I need to make sure you know I was not condoning Joe’s actions (by putting a timeline to the events).
Anyway, one of the items at the silent auction was a full-size Penn State football helmet signed by Joe Paterno.
After some fierce bidding (and a $565 donation), I won the helmet…and bought the ultimate birthday present for Zachary.
The story doesn’t end there, although it could have, since it was a neat coincidence that the helmet was available at the auction on Zach’s birthday.
But it goes beyond coincidence into the bizarre.
When I went to pick up the helmet, the gentleman who handed it to me was wearing a Burberry tie, from the iconic and recognizable clothing and accessory brand.
You’ve probably heard of Burberry and would recognize their products (known for their famous beige plaid design).
And since spell check made me capitalize Burberry, it must be an iconic brand. 🙂
Here’s the basic, most common design pattern used on many of their products:
However, the tie that the presenter of the helmet was wearing had a distinct Burberry variation, accentuated with pink—I guess even iconic and traditional brands can add a little color now and then:
Why is this significant?
I bought the identical pink Burberry tie for my dad to wear for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, in early 2005, just months before he died…and I then wore that tie to his funeral…and literally threw it into the grave as we were shoveling dirt to cover his coffin.
It’s a Jewish tradition for funeral participants to assist in shoveling dirt to honor the dead…and I only threw the pink tie into the grave because I was shoveling aggressively on a 90-degree August day…and the tie was soaked in sweat…so it seemed as good a place as any to deposit it.
So, what did this guy, in the pink Burberry tie, handing me the signed Joe Paterno helmet for my nephew on his 21st birthday, signify to me?
My take is that it was my dad, visiting me through the man in the pink tie, teaching me about “reflex generosity” (a term that speaks for itself and one I have written about before) …and obviously approving of the kick ass gift for Zachary.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 🙂
And I think my dad was also asking me to remember all the other lessons he taught me, most of which (including this one) were hidden in plain sight (because that was his way).
One additional, final observation, and why I shared this story today (beyond the fact that it’s the 21st anniversary of my father’s passing):
Whether or not you are religious, spiritual, agnostic, superstitious–or anything else– keep in mind that those who are no longer with us expended a lot of energy while they were above ground…and that energy needs to go somewhere.
Literally in the form of lessons they left us.
And more subtly, in the form of lessons they still want to share and accentuate with us, as gentle reminders, despite no longer being here in the flesh.
If it takes a tie and an autographed football helmet to get there, so be it.
These lessons and communications from those who have left us are there for the taking whenever you are attentive…aware…mindful…and if you are open to letting them in…and believe in a little bit of magic.
Note: There are still a lot of people in your life who are still alive who deserve the same kind of attention (with a little less magic involved). 🙂
I maintain that all our teachers and mentors…dead and alive…and anyone we look to for guidance and direction…
…are always communicating with us in one way or another, whether directly like my dad did or through what they left us with writings, lessons, videos, books etc….
…always teaching as they accumulate their lessons on earth…and dare I say what they learn from the beyond…
…and for us to remain lifetime students as well…
…by showing rather than telling.
Warmly,
Brian
P.S. I can tell you about all of the lessons I’ve learned from one of my greatest mentors, Gene Schwartz (who still communicates with me from the beyond like my dad 😄)…but I can also show you…through “The Breakthrough Advertising Bootcamp”…a unique event/workshop made up of six, 90-minute calls…which I have delivered 10 times previously and the 11th is coming up in November.
If you don’t know what I am referring to when I mention Breakthrough Advertising, possibly the most influential book ever written for marketers, copywriters and anyone interested in what makes humans tick (no Bot required), check out the book here.
If you know the book…or (hopefully) own it…check out the “Bootcamp” here.
While registrations aren’t open yet, getting on the “alert list” is available on that page so you will be the first to know when seats become available.
It will take place the weeks of November 9th and November 16th…three Zoom calls each week, going deep into Gene Schwartz’s masterpiece, and making it actionable to your business, whatever business you are in, online, offline…or both.
I hope to see you there.